In response to this wonderful article about writing about Africa, here is a rip-off about how people think about the Caribbean:

Admittedly, part of it is written in frustration about going to Caribbean studies conferences and seeing yet another presentation on Jamaican poetry. I remember one incident at a globalisation conference for postgraduates, when I introduced myself to someone working on banking in Trinidad. I was told that the Dominican Republic wasn't "the proper Caribbean".

When talking about the Caribbean:
- Talk about cricket, strong accents, reggae, and the Windrush. Ignore the fact that the four biggest populations in the Caribbean are Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Haiti and Puerto Rico. Therefore don't mention baseball, Spanish, merengue/bachata/son, or about Cubans in Florida and or 1,000,000+ Dominicans in New York.

-All sentences spoken in the Caribbean end in "yeah mon". Ignore the fact that English is only the third most spoken language in the Caribbean. Don't mention the Dutch or Danish Antilles (come on, how many people know there is a Danish Antilles?)

-The caribbean is a selection of small islands that are all close and similar enough so that they can play as one cricket team. It is not a group of islands over 1000 miles across, with a total population of over 30,000,000, and a huge variety in size, wealth, culture. That it sits in a wider basin surrounded by Latin America and the US, with their economic and political influence is mere details.

-Any article with anything negative to say about the Caribbean by law must have "Trouble in Paradise" as part of the title.

- If you are going to mention Haiti, make sure you mention Voodoo, as there is nothing else there. Voodoo is a bizarre mystical magic (not a religion), that involves skulls, ceremonies in cemeteries, and crazy ancient old witch doctors. Voodoo is not an off-shoot of catholicism involving patron saints and middle class businessmen. Voodoo dolls do exist outside of Hollywood.

-Caribbean people leave on decomissioned troop carriers to go drive buses in Birmingham. They don't leave in overcrowded sailing boats in the middle of the night, running risk of drowning to become an illegal immigrant washing dishes for $3 an hour in New York.

-Any mention of the Hispanic Caribbean should be limited to Cuba. Remember that Cuba didn't exist until 1959, except in Hemmingway novels. All mentions of Cuba must talk about delapidated old buildings, 1950s Chevrolets, Buena Vista Social Club, Fidel Castro's longevity, and possibly the US blockade. Every sentance should include the following words or phrases "Revolution", "a bygone era", "cigar", "in defiance of the US", "beard". It must be accompanied by a photo of Che Guevara smoking a cigar or of a 1950s car. It should not mention poverty, lack of human rights and freedoms. Everything that happens is romantic, accompanied by a smiling singing old bloke, some dancing and ends in a nice cigar. Ordinary mundane things don't happen.

-Feature white sanded beaches, turqouise seas, coconut palms. Don't mention rain forests, alpine forests, big smelly overcrowded cities.

-Talking about post-colonialism is essential. In fact, everything in the Caribbean can be explained through post-colonialism. Post-colonialism is the grand unifying theory that determines everything that occurs in the Caribbean. The most important factor in society is post-colonialism, and so post-colonialism's influence on society should be mentioned at every possible opportunity. All that caribbean people do all day is to find their new post-colonial identity, through writing poetry and painting.
It is critical to make sure that the colonialism involved Oxbridge graduates who brought cricket in exchange for sugar, and ended in the 1960's. Christopher Columbus is irrelevant, as is Simon Bolivar, Jose Marti and the 19th century. When mentioning post-colonialisms influence on Caribbean society, remember that trade agreements, IMF and US influence, and all other things that pass in other areas for important structural influences are mere details.

-The main exports of the Caribbean are Bounty bars and rum.

-All Caribbean people are black. There are no shades, European heritage, mulattos, complex racial politics, racism, or Chinese immigrants.

-Caribbean people sit in beach side shacks, selling coconuts whilst listening to reggae whilst avoiding the stresses of the world - this called living a simple life. Talk about relaxation, chillin', but don't mention poverty, unemployment, lack of power, safe water and sanitation.

-Pirates were bearded people who had all sorts of adventures. They didn't sell DVDs on street corners. Crime in the Caribbean involves boarding ships with cutlasses, in search of buried treasure. It doesn't involve murder, violent robbery, corrupt officials, or bribing police officers. Always mention the eyepatch and parrot.