Chiri has challenged me to tell you five surprising things about me. It has been a troubling editing process reaching these, as I know that many people involved in the more interesting stories read this column, as does my mother. So here are the edited selection, though I am sure I will be reminded of a few missing ones through the comments section.
1. Much to the amusement of my colleagues, I am considered (mainly by myself) to be the world’s fourth most eminent expert in the political aspects of forest fires. As they are quick to point out, there are only four people in the world who look at the political aspects of forest fires. If you are reading this, and know something about the political aspects of forest fires, please alert me and I will adjust my global standings accordingly (i.e. downward).
2. I once spent the best part of a week dressed up as a woman, very badly. In my defence, it was carnival, and most of the time I was suffering from the side effects of tequila. I still don’t understand men (and Cher) who go through to much effort to look like the perfect drag queen, with big hair and corsets. I feel that cross-dressing, like juggling with chainsaws, is much more enjoyable for the spectator if it is done badly. In the case of mixing tequila, cross dressing and flirting, the potential for disaster is much less when the cross dressing is done badly. And the flirting, for that matter.
3. I spent a large part of my teenage years, like many others, lying about my age/name/occupation. I never learnt Groucho Marx’s lesson, that any place that is prepared to let you in during these circumstances is not the type of place that you would want to be in. Apart from underage entrance to bad pubs, I once got a free backstage pass to a minor Spanish music festival by posing as a journalist. Unfortunately the music was so bad that I fell asleep, much to the disdain of the man who gave me the pass.
4. My right leg is almost an inch longer than my left leg. This didn’t cause me to walk round in circles, but my entire upper body has become slightly deformed to accommodate this irregularity. I only found this out when I was getting measured for a kilt and the tailor was wondering why the damn thing looked so bad.
5. I was so accident prone as a child that it is a miracle that I saw my fifth birthday. I had had pneumonia twice by age two, I tipped a bottle of paint stripper down my front on my first birthday, and I had a habit of regularly falling into very cold ponds. In retrospect, social services should have paid my parents a visit. However, apart from that I was a perfectly gorgeous baby, and any comments from my brother about a permanently dripping nose should be ignored.